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The people of Hyderabad have their set of troubles like anybody else all over
the world. But what keeps them going strong is an ever-prevailing sense of
humour and gumption for fun. Who doesn't love a good laugh, even when bogged
down by deadline blues, bad days and boyfriend problems. So guffaw awhile with
us. Then share these wisecracks with your friends to liven up their day. After
all, laughter is the best medicine.
Humour Collections
 One Line Sardarji Jokes
Oops Concept
Get Punjab from India
Selling to
Sardars
HIV
needle
Lesbian
To
loose weight
Employment
Crocodile
boots
Train
to ludhiana
Thermos
Answering
Machine
Jurassic
Park
Bukha
Sardar
20
Rupees Barber
Missing
Donkey
Chinese
Kid
Doggy
Color
TVs
Fly
America
Clock
& Ladder
Double
Decker bus
MBA
Phone
& Iron box
Past
tense
Exam was
Computer
Vs Movies
Paki
Valor
Rules of Bedroom Golf
Three Daughters Dinner
How
To Make Love
The Differences between the sexes.
-
A man will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
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A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she
doesn't want.
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A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to
marry her.
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A man, cherishes the memory of the woman who didn't.
-
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
While a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
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Men marry because they are tired.
-
Women marry because they are curious.
-
Net Result - Both are disappointed.
-
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
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A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
-
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot, and NOT try to
understand her at all.
-
Married men live longer than single men.
-
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
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Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in
two people remembering the same thing.
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The Style: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Truth :
Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she
does.
The Battle: A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the
other is to let her have it. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman
before marriage and after marriage.
Twins :
Four expectant fathers
were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room,
while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man,
"Congratulations
sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious
pride.
"I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second
man,
"You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he
answered. "I work for
the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me
live this
one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars
around,
the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man -
who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife
had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me! Another
coincidence?"
asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure,
he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons
Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy,
who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to
his side
and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him
whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at Millennium
Computers...
"I should have never taken that job at Millennium
Computers...
"I should have never taken that job at Millennium
Computers..."
Cup Of Tea :
A new recruit wanted to
have a cup of tea. So he dialed the number
of the pantry but got the wrong one. When someone picked the
phone he said "Please send me a cup of tea."
"Do you know whom you are talking to ?" the other side
asked.
"No." he replied.
"You are talking to the director of this company." the
other side
replied. Then our friend asked.
"Do you know who is talking on this side ?"
"No" the other side replied.
"Thanks". And he put the phone down.
Gulam Song in telugu :
ye.. etantavu.(amir khan)
ye.. Nanetantanu.(heroine)
vinu....(amir khan)
vinna...(heroine)
vasthava khandala.(amir khan)
em chesedi...vattchi khandala...(heroine)
are..thindam,thirugudam,adudam,padudam..
inkenti!(amir khan).
TOP 20 PROGRAMMER RESPONSES WHEN THEIR PROGRAMS DON'T WORK :
20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the Number 1 Programmer Response When Their Programs Don't
Work
1. "I thought I fixed that."
Getting the contract...
Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and
the
west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised
for
workers to complete the job. Three groups responded. A group of
Chinese, a group of Italians, and a group of Blondes. Since none
of
the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the
manager decided to assign each group to a different part of the line.
The first task was to stand the telegraph poles. The Manager sent
each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised
all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would
receive a bonus.
At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back
to
the Manager. The Manager inquired of him how many poles had been
set by his group. He replied 48. The manager was very pleased. He
advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Chinese and the Blondes did.
Next to report was the foreman of the Chinese group. When asked,
he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the manager
was delighted. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Chinese leader to remain until the Blondes checked in.
A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the
Manager.
"How many poles did your group set?" He asked.
"Two." Replied the
Blonde forewoman. "Two!" Exclaimed the Manager.
"The Italians set 48 poles, and the Chinese set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two
poles?" He demanded. "It may be true the Italians and
Chinese buried more poles than us." Replied the Blonde. "But
you should see how much of the poles they left sticking out of the ground!"
Ice Cream
Troubles :
For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious
is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how
implausible, are still the facts ...
A complaint was received by a major car manufacturer:"This is the second time I have written you, and I don't
blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice
cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole
family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I
recently purchased a new car and since then my trips to the
store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car
won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this
question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about your car that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice
cream, and easy to start whenever get any other kind?'"
The President of the car company was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out
anyway. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time,so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream
store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start.
The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night,
he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered
vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe
that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it
took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take
notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc.
In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the
layout of the store.
Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other
flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor
and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem
not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but
the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla,
the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane looking problems are
sometimes real.
Sit back and enjoy... :
During his trip to Hawai, Bill Gates was horrified to find a fisherman lying beside his boat, smoking his
pipe. "Why aren't you fishing ? asked Bill Gates. "Because I have caught
enough fish for the day". "Why don't you catch some
more?". "What could I do with them?"."Earn more money. Then you could have
a motor fixed to your boat and go into deeper waters and catch more fish. That would bring you more money. Soon you would
have enough to buy nylon nets, so more fish, more money .Soon you would have enough to buy two boats even a fleet of boats.
Then you would go rich like me"." What would I do
then?". "Then you could sit back and enjoy life". "What do you think I am doing now?"
Indian Psyche :
The recent nuclear test explosions have created a tremendous
euphoria in India and expected condemnation, led by the United States. An average Indian does not associate the test with security concerns
or power politics. Right-thinking Indians know that our priorities are
such things as health, education, and containment of population. Why then the euphoria? India, despite an having an ancient
culture and a
functioning, stable, large democracy and being a hunting ground
for technically qualified people, has been persistently represented
by the United States and the West as the home of poverty, filth,
disease, and backwardness. There have been few occasions when progress made in
India has been depicted by the Western media without bias or sarcasm.
India
is self-sufficient in food production. Its space program and
other
programs have improved communication and information systems
tremendously. It is fighting a big battle to remove age-old social inequalities. The
Indian economy has been stable, and Indians have taken to computers and software with ease. The entrepreneurial dynamism of Indians is
second to none. India supplies highly qualified cheap labor to the United States.
Indians enjoy freedom of expression and dissent, although we
would like some of our leaders to keep their mouths shut, at least for a
while. A feeling of alienation permeates segments of the Indian society
that have anything to do with the West, the United States in
particular. The general perception among Indian scientists in leading institutions, most
of whom are U.S.-trained, is that they are
being discriminated against. Research papers sent to top international journals from India seem to be reviewed with a bias Even if I
manage to publish one of my papers in one of the best journals, it will
seldom be quoted or have an impact, unless I have a U.S.-Western pedigree
or a connection with an inner circle. There seems to be an inherent disbelief in the West that good
research can be done in India. Even if I am invited to deliver a lecture
at an international research conference, I am made to feel like an
outsider or am aware that I have been invited to satisfy a condition that
someone from a developing country be included for the conference to be
eligible for funds from an international agency. My passport at the
immigration counter in most European countries is scrutinized with extra care
and often with a hostile attitude, even when I have adequate proof
that I will not stay for more than 3 days. There are, of course, exceptions, but exceptions do not make the rule.
As director of a pioneering research institution in India, I am
aware that we are threatened with sanctions. Some months ago (long
before the nuclear tests), newspapers published articles saying that the
Indian Institute of Science is on the watch list of the United States
because
we are considered to be a think tank for India's defense efforts.
We are an academic institution and carry out intellectually challenging
problems in fields ranging from particle physics to ecology. Yet, an
Indian order sent to Silicon Graphics causes a U.S. embassy official to investigate. We were denied a Cray computer for more than a
decade (now we are happy we did not buy these heavyweights). Our scientists
are appalled by how the United States, which values intellectual
challenges and academic freedom, can have such a discriminatory attitude
toward a country struggling to develop its science. We are often ignored
by international funding agencies as "developed" when it
comes to support for science. Our scientists are worried that the United States
may put an embargo on visas for scientists and scholars from India.
Already, the supply of research samples from U.S. government laboratories
has been put on hold.
India has many, many problems, but we are tired of being depicted
in
the West as having negative qualities. Given this treatment, one clutches at any "victory" that makes one feel like an entity to be
counted. It can be a win in cricket, a chess match, or a beauty contest, or even
a nuclear blast. Sanctions are self-defeating and counterproductive. India needs
understanding, not threats or sympathy. We are a warmhearted
people with tradition and capabilities. And to top it off, India has
great admiration for America and Americans!
God's blessings :
A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many
months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer's
showroom, and
knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all
he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs
that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his
graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how
proud he was to have such a fine son, and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box.
Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound Bible, with the young man's name embossed
in gold. Angry, he raised his voice to his father and said
"with all your money you give me a Bible?" and stormed out of the
house, leaving the Bible. Many years passed and the young man was very successful in
business. He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but realized his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He
had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make
arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and
willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things. When he arrived at his
father's house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search
through his
father's important papers and saw the still new Bible, just as he
had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the Bible and began
to turn the pages. His father had carefully underlined a verse,
Matt.7:11,"And if ye, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your
children, how much more shall your Heavenly Father which is in
Heaven, give to those who ask Him?" As he read those words, a car key
dropped from the back of the Bible. It had a tag with the dealer's name, the same dealer who had the
sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation,
and the words
PAY IN FULL. How many times do we miss God's blessings because they are not packaged
as we expected?
Responses of witness :
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyer's
Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of
witnesses
by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses
given by insightful witnesses: (I particularly like #22.)
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the
war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of
collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that
true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate
honeymoon,
didn't' t you?"
A: "We went to Europe, sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead
people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, okay? What school
did
you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the
navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check
for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive
nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere."
Especially for people who are away from HYD ...
Woh radhey shyaam ki pani puri, woh chit chat ki chaat,
Woh Softy ki ice cream, Wah usme thi kuch baat.
Woh pulla reddy ki mithai, woh kamat ka dosa,
Woh Gokul ki pav bhaji aur Ramser ka samosa.
Woh local bus ka 'suffer', woh tank bund ki hawa,
Woh dutch roses ke kante aur lumbini park ka sama.
Woh december ki zara si sardi, woh baarishon ke mahiney,
Woh garmi ki chuttiyan, jab chute te they paseeney.
Woh holi ki masti, woh navratri ka garba,
Woh divali ke patakhe aur ganpati ka shor o sharaba.
Woh necklace road ka mohol, woh Gandipet ki leheren,
Woh doobte suraj ka nazara, Wah uske kya kehene.
Woh Best Bakers ke curry puff, woh blue sea ka chai,
Woh Garden(restaurant) ke lukmi biscuit, woh galliyon ka "rabdi
malai".
Woh bachpan key yaaden, woh gotion kaa khel,
Woh Indira paark ke jhaadiyan, jahaa hothey they mel.
Woh Minerva ka pop corn aur Stop n Shop mein shopping,
Woh James Street ka nazara aur Ameer pet ki building.
Woh Sangeet cinema ke queue, woh black ki pink ticket,
Woh Parade ka maidan, jahan bachche practice karte hain cricket.
Itni cheezen kehene ke baad, aur kitni karoon mein abaad,
Yeh shehar hain mera apna, jiska naam hai H Y D E R A B A A D
!!!!!!!!
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