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General Jokes
C:/ sea-prompt
Warm Your worms
Honeymoon
Bartender
It's just gas
Calf*Cow
Why
read bible all time
Sven & ole
Chop Off
Fishing through ice
Couples Jokes :
A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer
lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out the flying saucer
steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The
earth woman invites the Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get
to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night.
The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and
the farmer's wife and the Martian man into the room. As the Martian
man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down & sees that his
phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she
says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly his penis extends to a foot & a half.
However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it s really not very wide." The Martian then
reaches up, twists his left ear, and then becomes thick as a huge sausage.
They then proceed to have sex. The next morning, the Martians take
off & the farmer and his wife are having breakfast. "So, how was it?"
asks the farmer. "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird.
All night long she kept playing with my ears." Ha ha
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General Jokes
Unpleasant hell
The 2 biggest Minnesota Viking fans of all
time (Ole' and Sven) were of coarse, up to no good again! They went over
to Wisconsin to try and sabotage the Packer's lockeroom so they would get
trapped in there and couldn't make it to the big game on Sunday. Well as
it turned out, their plan failed and both of the pranksters suffocated
to death while getting stuck crawling through the duct work. Ole' and Sven
went up to the pearly gates to try and gain admission. St. Peter just looked
at these two and said,"Don't even think about it you two! I've been hearing
about your shinanigans and pranks for years now, and quite frankly, I've
been waiting a long time for this moment." Ole' and Sven were puzzled by
St. Peters outburst but soon found themselves in a very unpleasant place
called hell. The devil approached them and told them to shovel 15 tons
of coal into the blast furnace, in 8 hours or they would be in big trouble.
So they did it. 8 hours later the 2 pranksters were relaxing on the coal
pile when the devil came back. "Well how do you 2 pranksters like hell?"
Ole' and Sven said," Vell, it wasn't too a tougha job eh'! The temperature
isa bout right. It feels a like Minnesota in a June don't ya know." This
made the Devil very angry, so he turned up the furnace and gave them another
8 hours to shovel 20 tons of coal into it. 8 hours went by and the Devil
came back to see Ole' and Sven sitting down again."Well now how do you
2 like hell?" The Devil screamed!"The heat does still not bother you 2?"
Ole' and Sven said,"Vell, It a feels like a Minnesota in July or maybe
even August for sure eh'." The devil became so outraged at these 2 pranksters
that he was bound and determined to show them a thing or 2! The devil shut
the furnaces off completely, and opened a cavern that led straight to the
north pole. The Devil told them they had 8 hours to shovel the 40 Tons
of snow that came blowing in. The temperature soon fell to -60 below zero!
8 hours went by and the Devil came back. Ole' and Sven were reclining in
their homemade igloos. The Devil could not believe this at all. He asked
the 2 how they liked it in hell now! Ole' and Sven said that it felt just
like January in Minnesota. They also asked the Devil what the score of
the game was? The Devil was bewildered."Why do you ask this?" "Well," said
Ole' and Sven,"De Vikings must'uv surely a wun dat dare Super a Bowl, seein'
as how dis a here place is frozed over now!
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C:/ sea-prompt
This is reputed to be the actual dialog of a
former Wordprefect customer Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you Yes, well, I'm having trouble with word perfect.
What sort of trouble?
Well, I was just typing along, and all of a
sudden the words went away.
Went away?
They disappeared.
Hmm, So what does your screen look like now?
Nothing.
Nothing?
It's blank; it won't accept anything when I
type. Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get
out?
How do I tell?
Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?
What's a sea-prompt?
Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on
the screen?
There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't
accept anything I type.
Does your monitor have a power indicator?
What's a monitor?
It's the thing with a screen on it that looks
like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it is on?
I don't know.
Well, then look on the back of the monitor and
find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Yes, I think so.
Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell
me if it's pluged into the wall.
Yes, it is.
When you where behind the monitor, did you notice
that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
No. Well there are. I need you to look back there
again and find the other cable.
Okay, here it is.
Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged
securely into the back of your computer.
I can't reach.
Uh huh. Well can you see if it is?
No.
Even if you maybe put your knee on something
and lean way over?
Oh, it's not because I don't have the right
angle- it's because it's dark.
Dark?
Yes, the office light is off, and the only light
I have is coming in from the window.
Well turn on the office light then.
I can't.
No, why not?
Because there's a power outage.
A power ... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've
got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing
stuff your computer came in?
Well, yes I keep them in the closet.
Good! go get them, and unplug your system and
pack it up just like it was when you got it. then take it back to the store
that you bought it from.
Really? Is it that bad?
Yes, I'm afraid it is.
Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell
them?
Tell them you're to stupid to own a computer!
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It's just gas
Have you ever asked your child a question too many
times? Well I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated.
My 3 year old son had a lot of problems with
potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at taco bell for a quick lunch
in between errands,it was so busy with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco I smelled something funny
so of course I checked my 7 year old daughter and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go
potty in a while, so I asked him and he said no. I kept thinking, oh lord that child has had an
accident and I didn't have any clothes with me.
Then I said, Matt are you sure you did not have
an accident, he said, no mommy it's just gas. I just knew that he must have had an accident
cause the smell was getting worse. SOOO I asked one more time MATT DID
YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT!
This time with a little smirk on his face he
jumped up, and yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and
yelled, SEE MOM IT'S JUST GAS!!!!...
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their
tacos he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if
nothing happened.
I was mortified but some kind elderly people
made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best
laugh they had ever had.
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Fishing through
ice
Fishing through the ice, using 3 lb. test
line and a 3" hole, my brother and I were ready for action. After about
an hour, I went to my brother to see if he had caught anything. He said
he caught a 70 lb. Northern and threw it back. I couldn't quite believe
this story. Anyway, he asked me what I had caught. I told him I caught
a coleman lantern that someone must have dropped in last fall and it was
still lit. My brother was very upset and said I was lying. So I told him
"I'll tell you what, you take sixty pounds off your Northern and I'll blow
out my lantern."
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Chop Off
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter,
and has gone all out - caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the
party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for
them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some
firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive,
and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the
clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he
is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman
is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children
herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing
cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches,
does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over
and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never
seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this
performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" "Well...,"
he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... "HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU
CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"."
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Bartender
The bartender was washing his glasses, when
an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted
his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for
a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is
that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him
to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian
with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool
and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked
if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded,
so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck,
who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one!
Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck
told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the
Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced
a jig out the door. Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness,
you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his
hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck
jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"
Top
Jogging Naked
A girl phoned me the other day and said ....
Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a
boy .... I'd have nothing to play with.
One day as I came home early from work .....
I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are
you doing that? He said . ...Because you came home early. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning ....
put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the
handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering
me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that
she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid
who came with his wallet
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the
waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could...... But he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness -- after I was
born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they
sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and
asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... do you think we'll
ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places
they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off
next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking
how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning
when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's
wrong with me? He said. ..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a
bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get
some rest.
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Calf*Cow
A man was helping one of his cows give birth,
when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking
in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 4 and I'm gonna have
to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll
just let him ask, and I'll answer." After everything was over, the man
walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going
when he hit that cow?"
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Warm Your worms
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked
out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line
and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without
even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the
ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only
took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy
pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was
just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few
minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old
man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time.
He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without
even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about
half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep
ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded,
"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand
a word you are saying." So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have
to keep the worms warm!"
Top
Honeymoon
On their honeymoon trip, they were approaching
Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena's knee. Lena giggled and said:
"Ole, You can go furder den dat, don't cha know?" So Ole put the pedal
to the metal and drove to Duluth
Ole and Lena lived in this rather old home. One
night Ole came home and Lena noticed that the door squeaked when he opened
it. So Lena asked Ole to fix the door. Ole said "Vat do I look like, a
doggone carpenter der". The next day the kitchen light switch didn't work,
so Lena asked Ole to fix it. To which Ole replied "Hey vat do you tink
I am, a dad burned electrician deer or vat?". Next day a faucet was leaking,
so naturally, Lena asked Ole to take care of the problem. "Lena, Lena,
Lena," Ole responded, "vat da dinga donga heck ya tink I am deer, Da plumber?"
About a week later Ole noticed that everything was fixed, so he asked Lena
who had fixed them. Lena, coyly said, "I had Lars come over and fix dem
darn tings for me." To which Ole responded, "So how much did Lars charge
me for all dat darn verk deer?" With a smile on her face, Lena said, "He
yust vanted A big cake or a little sex." "So vat kinda cake you make him deer?" Ole asked. With a twinkle in her eye, Lena came
back,"!Ole!, who
da heck you tink I look like? Dat spoon twirlin Betty Crocker deer?"
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HYDerabadis kid
What would a HYDerabadis kid do if Pakistan army threw
a grenade at them?
Pick it up, Pull the pin, and throw it back!
Bill Vs Screw
HATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BILL CLINTON
AND A SCREWDRIVER?
A SCREWDRIVER TURNS AND SCREWS..... BILL CLINTON SCREWS
INTURNS
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Sven & ole
Sven and Ole quit their job and bought a
truck because they had heard that there was a good deal of money to be
earned in this occupation. When they went down to the insurance agent to
buy insurance, the agent asked Ole "How much experience do you have with
driving a truck?"
Ole: "Ve dont have any experience now, but by
the end of the summer ve're gonna have lots of it."
Agent: "Well, before our company writes out a
policy, we have to be sure in our own mind that you are suited for this
kind if work, after all, we stand to lose a lot of money should you have
an accident."
Ole: " ja, I kan apprishiate that."
Agent: "Ole, I'm gonna ask you a hypothetical
question. Picture this, You've got a full load and you've been driving
all night. Your coming out of the mountains, your friend Sven is sleeping
in the bunk behind you. At the end of a long down grade there is a railroad
track crossing the road. As you approach, you notice the train is coming.
You step on the brakes, but you don't have any, you've lost them in the
mountains. You quickly down shift to slow down only to discover that you
got out of fourth, but for the life of you, you can't get it into third.
You're freewheeling and picking up speed. What would you do?"
Ole: After thinking for a few moments says, "I
think I vould vake up Sven, he's never seen a real bad accident." Why
read bible all time
Ole and Lena sat around every evening just reading
and reading. Lena read books and newspapers, but Ole just read the Bible.
Finally Lena says bruskly to Ole "why do you yust read the Bible all the
time?" Ole looked up and said "why
Lena, the bible can answer any question you can
ask" To this Lena replied "well what does the Bible say about P.M.S.? Ole
replied "yust a minute, I'll find it right here". Ole paged through the
Bible for a little while and then said "Lena, here is the answer to your
question" "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Jerusalem".
Top
QUOTES
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police,
put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When
I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three." --Elayne
Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always
putting a hit out on myself." --Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full
effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time
job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob
Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television
set. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station.
I actually bought a congressman."--Bruce Baum
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you
walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of
every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think
of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae
Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains,
a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their
walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you
go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen
DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should
have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred
years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever
see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a
weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You
get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got
the toe clippers right here.' " --Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching
us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
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